When I’m asked this question, I frequently have a difficult time coming up with an answer. As I look at a survey of the top 10 fears, public speaking, heights, snakes, spiders, needles, enclosed spaces, flying, open spaces, failure, pain, none of them seem to particularly apply.

However, when I read an article by Frances Moore Lappe’, co-author of You Have the Power: Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear, and she talked about fear taking basically two forms: fear of the unknown and fear of conflict, I had to say BINGO. Fear of conflict has always tripped me up.

However, I gained a fantastic insight from Lappe’s explanation of why we are hard-wired (particularly women) towards this fear of conflict.

Here’s the story. In ancient times, getting cast out of the tribe meant certain death. Of course creating conflict with the leaders of the tribe or even a husband, could bring about this punishment. Conflict could mean death. No wonder most of us have a “deadly” fear of conflict even though the tribe scenario no longer applies.

Lappe’ talks about being scared to death twice in her life – not when she was on a hairpin turn in the Himalayas or when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was only mortally afraid when she thought she let people down and would be hated. In other words, cast out.

Reprogramming
I agree with Lappe’ who says we can reprogram our brain’s responses to fear by putting ourselves into new, initially uncomfortable situations. We’ll learn fear might not mean “stop”, in fact, sometimes it means go. However, it always means listen closely.

Lappe’ sums up, “Today a lot of people assume they’re fearful because of terrorism or the shaky economy, but I’ve grown certain that the root of all fear is that we’ve been forced to deny who we are. Because when you get right down to it, even the fear of death is nothing compared to the fear of not having lived authentically and fully.”

Coaching questions

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We have about 66,000 thoughts a day and two-thirds
of them are fear-based. These fears come in two
basic forms: fear of the unknown and fear of conflict.
Frances Moore Lappe’ – co-author of You Have the
Power: Choosing Courage in a Culture of Fear
Also author of Diet for a Small Planet
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