Telling Hard Truths

By Mershon Niesner, PCC, CPCC
Professional Certified Coach
Author of Ribbons of Love – Affirmations for Abundant Living
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In life we all have times when we have to tell hard truths. Perhaps it is the ultimate - someone has died and you must tell the wife, the children or other relatives. Perhaps you must downsize or close your business and you have to communicate this to your employees and clients. Maybe you are very unhappy in your relationship and you must tell your spouse what is bothering you. Maybe it is simply telling your friend, colleague, coach, or client that you were upset by what they said and need to talk it through. All of these situations involve telling the "hard truths".

Even professionals, like doctors, often are lacking the skills to do this. They blurt out the truth and bolt from the room or speak in a cold, detached manner that leaves patients feeling stranded in their pain.

To combat this scenario, Dr. Mack Lipkin Jr., MD, has created a program for the New York University School of Medicine that trains future doctors to tell the hard truths to their future patients. We can all learn from their experience. I have incorporated some of Dr. Lipkin's suggestions into a Top 10. Save this for those inevitable times when you will need to impart bad news and hard truths.

1. First, find a private, quiet place to begin the conversation.

2. Give a verbal warning such as, "I'm afraid I have some difficult news that we need to talk about," or "I have some bad news for you." Let this soak in before you begin further dialogue.

3. Avoid saying, "I don't know". Instead say, "I'll find out." However, don't give folks more information than they need at the moment. Give a realistic picture of the situation without robbing the listener of all hope.

4. Access your subject's knowledge of the problem. Ask, "How much do you know about .?" For instance, a doctor told a woman that her husband had just suffered a stroke. She seemed unable to understand why her husband was unable to communicate. A good question would have been - What do you know about strokes?

5. Engage in active response. This means disclosing information while constantly assessing the recipient's reaction to every word. Learn to move forward only at the pace the recipient can tolerate. Listen, listen, listen.

6. Look inside. What's your own fear around losing your job, facing an illness, or feeling powerful emotion?

7. Don't run from an emotional outburst or take an angry attack personally. Also, learn to tolerate silence. Allow time for the recipient to take in the news. Don't nervously fill the space with more talk.

8. When the news is dire, express your own sorrow as well as ongoing support with messages like, "I'm here for you," or "I'm so sorry to have to give you this news."

9. If there are tears, don't automatically hand out a tissue. Let the tears flow - don't be afraid to join them. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is to cry with them.

10. Just do it. Don't put off the inevitable. When bad news needs to be told, do it sooner rather than later. Don't exasperate the problem by waiting.

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